I remember so clearly the day when I went to the hospital to get my screws removed. I was still in rehab, an hour away from the hospital, and enjoyed the ride in an ambulance with a super nice paramedic.
I was supposed to get an anaesthesia from the hips down because after 9 weeks the four screws that went right into my hip bones had been nicely integrated into my body.
I was in a small dark room which appeared even darker when the chief physician walked in with a nurse, and his assistant, their white coats brightly contrasting the wall.
The chief physician was a tall, slim, older man with white hair. His name was Dr. Stiletto; a name that couldn’t be more perfect for a surgeon. Even his appearance, in my eyes, resembled that of a humanized scalpel.
A quick look at me, and he decided there is no need for an anaesthesia; time saved. His assistant looked horrified. He had to follow orders… he bent down close to my ear… I could see the stress in his face… he whispered: “I’ll try to make it quick”… and he started unscrewing. The tissue around one of the screws had been inflamed throughout weeks; this was the first one… I started to groan, and intuitively flung my hand towards his screwer… the nurse took both my arms and held them back… whispering: “its gonna be over soon”.
When the nurse carefully cleaned my holes, the chief doctor, growled at her “That doesn’t help”… took the gauze pad, and went deep and thorough into the wounds to avoid any possible infections.
I learned that day that it is sometimes hard to show up as my ADULT self… the moment I start feeling unease and insecure, I am the “little one”, and I am not here to argue, or ask questions. Can you relate?
It’s not about what the doctor did. He just did is job. He is a brilliant and efficient surgeon. It is about what I DIDN’T DO. It is about R-E-S-P-E-C-T. That I didn’t feel “enough” to be treated differently.
There is no point in blaming yourself that you didn’t speak up in times when you were most vulnerable, that you didn’t have the knowledge to argue or discuss the best treatment option for you, or that you didn’t have the energy to interview four different doctors to get the “right” one for you.
You cannot change what happened. You did the best in the moment with what you had. You could not have done it differently.
What you CAN change is how you feel about the situation NOW. Do you feel weak, or empowered? How you feel about yourself handling the situation then is not only impacting your life right now but is also affecting future situations because your brain predicts (future) events and situations based on your past experiences, and beliefs.
I worked through the moments of feeling abused, humiliated, powerless, and small as a result of what happened that day… and when I embraced all these parts of myself… I changed from the “little one” into my ADULT self, seeing her incredible strength, and her determination to get well again… no matter what happens.
Looking back now, I feel empowered, I learned to ask questions even if I feel small, and to respect myself more. Today, I can say from my heart: He was the right doctor for me. He helped me and heal… not just my bones.
Don’t let fear get in your way… Never stop asking questions… You have more courage and strength within you than you can ever imagine.
With utmost r-e-s-p-e-c-t and appreciation for YOU and your “little one”,
P.S. I am here if you’d like support in taking your power back and changing your life and future now – just hit reply
P.P.S. Stay tuned for my upcoming workshop From Fear and Overwhelm to Courage and Trust